Daddy's Home Now

OK, 8 days later and I finally get around to writing another post. This is harder than I expected, but I suppose I just need to get myself into the habit of posting on a regular basis. There are so many reasons why I need to do this. I want to share what I’m going through not only to help other stay at home dads, but to help myself. There was a time in my life where I would write SOMETHING every day. Sometimes it was a poem, sometimes just a paragraph. Most of this stuff is gone and lost forever, but somehow that is comforting.

When I was in high school, I wrote a lot of really depressing stuff. Even though I usually came off as being very happy and friendly, my prose gave a glimpse into a very sad and tormented mind. Writing was a way to get those thoughts out of my head and frankly I’m glad I will never see some of the things I penned again. I’ve had blogs before, but I don’t think I ever really opened up that much. I’m sure there are bits of pieces of those entries forever stuck in the gears of Google’s caches, but again I don’t think those are anything worth remembering. To be honest, that was another life. A time before the time that really mattered. What I really care about focusing on now and preserving for the future are my feelings about my two boys.

October 1st, 2007 marked the beginning of not only a new chapter in my life, but an entire new book. When I was younger I always knew that one day I wanted to be a dad. It seems a little strange, but I had this feeling even since the age of 5 or 6. I think this is partly due to my feelings of inadequacy when it came to my father’s love. (That’s a whole other blog post…just know that I have closure on that issue now.) Regardless, the idea of being a father has always appealed to me. Little did I know then just how profound an effect having kids would have on me. It completely blew my mind and I will never be the same.

I never imagined I could love someone on that level. First of all, I didn’t even know “that level” existed! You could interview 1,000 fathers and still not have any idea what it is like to fall in love with someone who totally depends on you to survive. You can never truly explain how it feels in your heart the first time your baby smiles at you or coos at you. How do you quantify the gush of emotion that rushes over you when that tiny little baby, many months later, walks across the room JUST to give you a hug and a kiss? You can’t. You can try, and believe me, I love to try. But in the end it is something you have to live through to know. You live through the pain, through the cries, through the tears. You struggle to stay awake when you can’t even think straight. You face your worst demons so that you can adjust yourself to your new life. And for what? For the simplest of reasons. So that little baby can have the opportunity to experience the same thing.

So, what am I doing here? I’m trying. Trying to make sure my babies have a record of how much I loved them. Trying to make sure I remember what I’m doing. Trying to spread the love.

Ok, here it goes. My first blog post on my new Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) blog. I went back and forth a lot on the idea of making this blog. I haven’t been terribly successful at keeping a blog going in the past. So I really can’t guarantee this will be anything spectacular. But I will at least give it a try and see if anything comes of it.

Yesterday was my first official day as a SAHD. Lynda had to return to work and Elias is still enrolled in daycare full time, so it was just me an Noah from about 7:45am until around 5:00pm when Lynda got home. I have to say it wasn’t a bad experience at all. Noah was actually quite the little angel.

He took his normal morning nap but ended up sleeping until 12:15pm. I had to check on him a couple of times to make sure he was still breathing and each time he gave the sweetest sleep smiles when I got close. After eating his lunch, he was a happy boy until a little before 2, when he decided it was time to sleep again. This nap only lasted an hour or so, but when he was awake, he was an angel. Of course the happy only lasted until he got hungry.

Noah reminds me of Elias in that respect. When Elias was tiny, he would get SO ANGRY if he wasn’t fed the moment he got hungry. Noah is the same way. Often times I will have him sitting on my tummy smiling and cooing away and then suddenly, without warning, ANGRY BABY! We have to get him on a boob or a bottle quickly before he cries so hard his face turns beet red and he almost makes himself pass out. And God forbid we try to stop feeding him before he is completely full. Every time we pause to burp him, he goes right back to his crying. We know when he is finally full when we are able to put him to our shoulder without any screaming.

All in all, Noah is a really good baby. If all his needs are fulfilled, he is happy and can be and does a really good job of letting us know that something is wrong. Elias was so tough because he had a bit of colic, but Noah doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. So far this SAHD thing isn’t too hard, but then again I’m not yet taking care of both Elias and Noah at the same time.

Elias will be in daycare full-time this and next week and then he moves to part-time. We’re starting at 3 days per week and then will hopefully move down to 2 later on. We really don’t want to pull Elias completely out of daycare. He has made a lot of good friends there and he has learned so much from being there. I will say though, I am really looking forward to spending more time with him. He is such a character and is the most sweet and loving toddler I think I’ve ever met. I know it will do him good to spend more time with me and his little brother. He loves Noah SO MUCH and I can’t wait to see the relationship that develops between them.

That’s all for now. I think I hear Noah starting to stir, so he will probably be waking up soon for some smiley time with Dad.

Daddy’s Home Now, little ones.